PILOT EPISODE

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EXT. CEMETARY - DAY
Footsteps can be seen trailing in the early morning dew of the lush grass of the HAPPY TIMES CEMETERY. The feet pass various SIGNS: DIG YOUR OWN HOLE/ U DIG 1/2PRICE/ LIE BACK, RELAX, WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED/ WE DIG THE HOLE, YOU DO THE REST.
The footsteps belong to non other than Frishna Ling Utna Kundilini Ed- a part-time prescription deliveryman.

ED
I’m beginning to think I took a wrong turn back there. This does not look like main street
He spots something on the ground.

ED (CONT’D)
Oh look, look, look! A Ratblast's Root beer bottle cap!
(he bends over and picks it up)

ED (CONT’D)
And the secret contest insert for a brand new special edition Le Mans Leopard 550 sports coupe is still in it! This could be the winner.
Out of nowhere a HUGE BLAST OF THUNDER bangs and a LIGHTENING BOLT zaps an enormous ancient tree in front of Ed revealing a large, ominous tomb. The number 1871 is prominently exposed. Ed looks at his directions. His head goes back and forth from his directions to address on tomb for each number he reads. Finally, he realizes the number matches the address on his card.

ED (CONT’D)
1871 Main Street. Oh my! I found it! 1871! How lucky was that I am! (big laugh) ha, ha!
He knocks on tomb door, it slowly opens and he enters.
The tomb door slams shut behind him. We see outside of tomb door, a branch blows to one side revealing the inscription - born 1800, died 1871. Pan up to reveal the name FLUKE. Pan left revealing CAPTAIN.
INT. TOMB - MOMENTS LATER
It's a dark cold gloomy mausoleum. ED’S VOICE ECHOS.

ED (CONT’D)
(NERVOUSLY)
Hello! Dear me, it is a little drafty. The winters here must be a killer. (more diminutive laugh) Ha ha. Boy it sure is dark.
Ed fumbles around in the dark

ED (CONT’D)
Hmm, maybe this is a light.
His hand finds a lever.

ED (CONT’D)
Oh, a lever. This is most cool.(pause)You know what? I am going to pull it!
Big booming LEVER PULL and the release of an elevator - it's a terrifying decent.
Ed screams all the way down the shaft! The fall takes forever, long way down. We HEAR BUMPS, BANGS AND CRUNCHES along with OOHS, OWWS, AHHS, ETC. (Maybe drops extremely fast, a series of quick cuts captures Ed ZIPPING THROUGH FRAME as he passes each level.
He lands with a resounding BUMPH on the ground.

ED (CONT’D)
(understated)
Oh my. I Can feel the hurt in my body. Ouch, very big pain.
Boy, he, he . . still dark I see?
Ed moves slowly forward. Feeling around he finds a board filled with buttons and switches.
He flicks one and a bank of lights quickly engages - then one bank at a time the entire room is lit revealing a master control room. Unbeknownst to Ed, behind him, is the previous CAPTAIN FLUKE. He's a SKELETON . . . mouth agape in his Fluke chair! He is wearing horn-rimmed glasses and the letter F is emblazoned on the chest of his costume.
Note: At this point we may go from Black and White to color. IE, cartoon OPENS in B&W then as lights come on in CONTROL ROOM we switch to COLOR for remainder of show and series.
Ed is oblivious.

ED (CONT’D)
What, what, what? I've never seen a board with so many good looking buttons. Like this one and this one or this one…
Like an excited school kid Ed flicks the button again...and the banks of lights snap off.
Then he flicks the button again and they all come back on!
Each time various parts of the background are illuminated revealing strange glass cylinders with skeletons in them. All wearing same costume.
He turns this time only to discover the skeleton - it startles him and he flops backward onto the board turning off all the lights again by mistake.
Now desperate, he flicks them back on! And hits another switch with it. A great whooshing sound accompanies the lights returning.
By this time, Ed is so bedazzled by the light show he doesn't realize that the superhero suit, heretofore worn by the skeleton, has magically replaced his own clothes.
Ed glances back at the skeleton and notices something is different.

ED (CONT’D)

(out loud to himself)
Was not that scary skeleton wearing more clothes before? And what happened to his suit I'm wondering?
A mysterious voice answers Ed. It is the voice of THE GROUNDS KEEPER aka GK. To the world at large a simple cemetery keeper, but in reality he is the secret sidekick of CAPTAIN FLUKE.

GK
(mild reverb)
You’re wearing it ...

ED (CONT’D)
Wait a minute right here and now ... And maybe later. Who said that?
Suddenly we see and hear a huge explosion, light flashes and thunderous claps and bangs.
Out of the smoke walks GK. He is officious and sarcastic. He stops and appears in partial shadow, very dramatic. He is wearing a CAPPUCINO HAT (Baseball cap with a cup of cappuccino attached to each side and straws to the mouth [like beer cap]) Ed is startled.

ED
Holy Cow! What an entrance. Who are you I ask most nervously?

GK
Not who am I ... who are YOU?

ED
My name's…

GK cuts him off.

GK
Captain Fluke!
Music/sfx Captain Fluke sting - antithetical, maybe kazoo.

GK
By the way, did I startle you?

ED
Yes, as a matter of fact you…(catching himself) Hey! Wait a Bombay second! What is all this? I am nobody's Captain. Who are you?

GK
(very dramatic)
I … am … the Groundskeeper … well actually that's my cover, in reality I'm a rich international playboy named Mad Dog Mancini.

ED
Really?

GK
No. I'm the Groundskeeper.

ED
Oh

GK (CONT’D)
Captain Fluke's trusted but slightly offended sidekick.

ED
Well, these aren't my clothes and I'm not that(he waves his hands searching for the name)fluking man...

GK
(dramatic)
You mean ... Captain Fluke?
SFX: Fluke Sting.

ED
Ahhh... Exactly. (pause) My name is Frishna Ling Utna Kundilini Ed. And I'm a most part-time prescription delivery man, and these pills are for Mr. Slapstein. (Going on) I'm not really a very big fan of his, he's old and smelly, but he tips well…

GK
(cutting him off)
Silence! First of all … yes you are Captain Fluke.

ED
By the moustache of Boop I am not. I think you’ve got me mixed up with somethingbody else.

GK
What are your initials?

ED
They are F-L-U-K-E.

GK
And what does that spell?

ED
It spells …Fluke. (considers) Holy Cow! I never noticed that before … what a Fluke!

GK
Second of all, you are not a part-time prescription deliveryman - anymore - you're now an international superhero.

ED
Hmm, sounds impressive.

GK
Third of all, (he grabs bag of pills off of Ed) I'll take those. And Fourth of all, would you like to hear the story of your origin?

ED
Yes! Most definitly … And I'd like to get out of this … suit.

GK
GK: You only get one request. I'll tell you the origin, besides no one wants to see you naked. Okay, here goes. I'll keep this short, super-hero origin shows can get a little tedious.

The following story is in the Groundskeeper's voice-over supported by pictorial illustrations.
A musical transition accompanies the...
FADE TO:
GK (V.O.)

GK: Before there was a planet, there was a guy in a weird suit floating around in space - He was known as the first Great Fluke. How else would you explain a guy floating in space in a weird suit? One day after eating some Bean Burritos, before they were perfected, this first Great Fluke exploded into a grillion fragments and reformed into the planet we're now destroying with pollution and Global warming - I'm not judging.
We hear Ed's voice and SEE Ed as he FLOATS INTO FRAME, FAKE SWIMMING, asking question in GK's pictorial.

ED
Would that be by any chance …Earth?

GK (V.O.)
No, it would be Kansas! Of course it's Earth. Now get out of my flashback.

ED
E: Oh, very sorry.

GK (V.O.)
Thus began the lineage of Flukes. With each passing generation came another Fluke - saving earth from destruction. Until millions of years later, and millions of Flukes, here you stand.
MUSIC TRANSITION OUT

CUT BACK TO:
GK talking with Ed

GK
Who by fluke was born to a woman who never had contact with a man, then by Fluke got through school on a computer glitch changing your failing marks into passes, who then by Fluke got a job without being related to the owner, fluked your way to the Captain Fluke hideout, where you hit the Captain Fluke body exchanger button by fluke and then by total Fluke instantly and inalterably became the latest Captain Fluke. Any questions?
Ed has been ignoring GK, preoccupied with his Ratsblat bottle cap.

ED
Yes. Do you have a butter knife? I would like to flip the insert out of this cap. It is like killing me to know if I'm the big winner.

GK
Give me that! A Bottle Cap! Sheesh. We don't have time to play soda pop contests. WE barely have enough time to save the world. Besides, no one ever wins. They all say TRY AGAIN.
In bg we see the ten glass cylinders Ed lit earlier. Each one contains a previous Captain Fluke. They are all skeletons. Each cylinder has a sign over it, CAPT. FLUKE - 1800 -1870, 1600-1670 ...

GK
Now listen up. As long as you wear the suit, nothing can harm you - not - and you're guaranteed seventy years of life. And you will remain the same age as long as your Captain Fluke suit stays on - after seventy years … you're on your own.

ED
(glancing at cylinders)
Seventy years?

GK
Yah, that should get us into syndication.

ED
But I'm thirty now… in seventy years I'll be...

GK
A skeleton as soon as the suit comes off.

ED
(considers)
That option sounds very limited. What if I refuse?

GK
I'll kill you.

ED
Suddenly the first option appeals to me? I will do it.

GK
Good.

ED
Can I get my own web site?

GK
No. Now pay close attention. I want you to meet. The Chief - he's our spiritual guide - our inspiration. You contact him when you feel your will to live slipping away.

ED
Hmm, pretty good timing.

GK hits button on counsel and large screen lights up. An OLD INDIAN CHIEF in hot tub with several sexy chicks
CHIEF
How … zit goin'?

GK
Chief, I want you to meet the new Captain Fluke.

CHIEF
Another Fluke! Great! The last one was getting' these three girl's to come home with me.

ED
Hello, Chief it is an honor to meet you.

CHIEF
(ignoring him)
Gotta go. I got brownies in the oven.

GIRLS
(all giggle)
Ooh, brownies, he, he, he.

ED
very impressive lifestyle.

CHIEF
(referring to girls)
It really helps to have a high paying job when you're older.
GK
What an inspiration. (pause) Okay, let's get down to business.
GK hits another button and the screen changes to SERIES OF PHOTOS OF DR. CALCULUS.
We see several photos - The Doctor PLAYING TENNIS, POSING WITH BOY SCOUTS, HELPING A PUPPY DRINK OUT OF A FOUNTAIN, ASSISTING AN ELDERLY WOMAN ACROSS A BUSY STREET.

ED
Is that your Daddy?

GK
No, it's not my Daddy. It's your "A" number one, most top of the chart evil nemesis! The most calculating evil genius to ever wear...
We cut to a shot of Calculus wearing leiderhosen and blowing into giant horn atop the Swiss Alps.

GK
(finishing his sentence)
Liederhosen!

ED
Wayne Newton?

GK
Don't push me. His name is …Dr. Calculus!

ED
Hmm, a most evil name.

GK
Dr. Calculus calculates everything right down to the last detail. He calculates the outcome of events before they happen. In other words he is your absolute, polarized, extreme opposite. He hates Flukes and his sole purpose for living is to destroy the earth and you, not necessarily in that order.
Ed peruses the Dr.'s delightful montage.

ED
He looks like a very nice man.

GK
GK: These photos are from his press kit, believe me he's not nice. And the only way to defeat this most calculating of foes is by... by, uh...

ED
Fluke?

GK
And you call yourself a prescription delivery man?

ED
I am a…

GK
Silence!
Ed freezes.

GK
(pause)
I didn't say freeze, I said silence.

ED
So sorry. I misheard.

GK
From now on and sort of forever - you are no longer (he screws up name) Frishna Ling Utna Kundilini... uhhh.

Gk struggles to recall.

ED
Ed. (pauses) It's Swedish.

GK
Whatever … The point is … You are Captain Fluke!

ED
Hey, you just said Captain Fluke and the noisy thingamajiggy did not go off.
Gk looks a little perplexed, a few seconds transpire ... then ... We hear the FLUKE STING.

ED
Oh, there it is. (Pause) It was late.

GK
Are you finished?

ED
(thinks)

Yes.

GK
Good. And know this. Right now, as we speak, I can guarantee you one thing. Dr. Calculus is calculating his next attempt at destroying the world and … you.
ZOOM INTO FACE OF DR. CALCULUS IN BOY SCOUT PHOTO UNTIL EXTREME CLOSE-UP.
FADE OUT AND BACK IN UNTIL...
INT. DR. CALCULUS HIDEOUT
CLOSE ON A NOSTRIL.

DR.
Is that a nose hair, Buffalo?

Buffalo: No, Doctor. Looks like a wayward fruit fly.

SLOWLY WIDEN
To reveal DR. CALCULUS showing his nose to BUFFALO (a full size buffalo) who is lying on a chez lounge holding a MARTINI - very laid back - think Dean Martin. Buffalo is the Doctor's only friend - a relationship based on mutual need. The Doctor's need for constant reassurance and Buffalo's need for someone to pay for his lavish and laid back lifestyle. Buffalo's main problem is coping with Calculus grossing him out. Calculus has personal hygiene problems.

DR.CALCULUS
Good, I calculated zero nose hair growth after taking my new anti-nose hair pills and as usual it's working like a charm.

BUFFALO
Beautiful, Doctor, you're a genius... and you know... I like you that way.
BUFFALO CLICKS HIS HOOVES.
THEN…
CALCULUS INHALES WITH GREAT FORCE ACCOMPANIED BY NASTY SOUNDS. WE SEE FRUIT FLY INSIDE DR'S NOSE HANGING ON TO SIDES OF INTERIOR NOSE WALLS FOR DEAR LIFE. THEN THE DR. COVERS THE OTHER NOSTRIL WITH HIS FINGER AND SNORTS OUT WITH ALL HIS POWER.
WE SEE THE FRUIT FLY ZOOM OUT TOWARDS CAMERA SCREAMING. HE FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM AND SPLATS AGAINST A POSTER OF WAYNE NEWTON. HE SLIDES DOWN ACROSS WAYNE'S SMILING FACE.

DR.CALCULUS
Problem is the darn pills seem to have affected my back hair.
The Doctor turns around and reveals a long main of wavy dark hair flowing out from under his smock to the ground. Buffalo grimaces, and quickly recovers. His grin reveals a set of big glistening teeth.

BUFFALO
Everything you do wants to make me scream "Yahoo".

DR.CALCULUS
Now where was I? Oh yes, I must get all the way over to the super computer and calculate my next plan to destroy the world.

BUFFALO
Scooter's all powered up and ready to go.

The Doctor gets on his scooter and starts out. The Doctor takes his scooter everywhere and never wastes energy walking.
DREAM SEQUENCE (recurs whenever Dr. is on his scooter [different dream each time]- (very Yellow Submariney) as the Doctor starts out on his scooter we transition to a dream sequence. A psychedelic styled trip. RAVI SHANKAR MUSIC UNDER. The Doctor on is scooter driving over beautiful fields of flowers, big puffy clouds, unicyclists, cotton candy, kids with balloons, suddenly a beautiful butterfly wisps into frame and turns into a VAMPIRE BUTTERFLY and starts attacking everyone in scene draining them of their blood.
SMASH CUT - CLOSE ON
Dr. Snapping to.

DR.CALCULUS
Oh my mind.
WIDEN
To show the Dr. has traveled about one foot. He dismounts and begins typing on keypad.

BUFFALO
Word has it there's a new Captain Fluke in town, Dr. Calc.

DR.CALCULUS
Yes, I calculated that on my blackberry while you were flossing my teeth this morning. I like it when you floss my teeth, Buffalo.

CUT TO:
Gary Owens styled announcer seen in top corner of frame.
ANNCR
Earlier that day.
Flashback to a.m.. Buffalo flossing DR's teeth while he manipulates blackberry. Buffalo pulls floss out of Dr.'s mouth and large SNAIL is stuck to it. Buffalo looks in horror at snail.
The SNAIL looks NONPLUSSED at Buffalo.

SNAIL
Hi.

Buffalo holds his mouth, runs to bathroom where we HEAR GIANT RETCH.

SNAIL
What?

Back to present.

DR.CALCULUS
Yes, you needn't worry about this New Captain Fluke, Buffalo. Because there's no room in this world - I'm about to destroy - for FLUKES!

ON BUFFALO.
Who is now in front of an easel with canvas, wearing a beret and painting a nude model while sipping wine. [note: nude model's good parts covered by easel in an
OVER-BUFFALO'S-SHOULDER SHOT.

BUFFALO
Doc, Do I look worried to you? (to model) Sweetie, could you just move a little to the left.
Buffalo moves easel simultaneously keeping the naked model appropriately hidden.

CUT TO:
EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY
ED, who is now CAPTAIN FLUKE, is WAITING in front of a very tall tree. GK pulls up in a brand new special edition Le Mans Leopard 550 sports coupe.
FLUKE
Well slap my ever expanding backside, that car is just like the car Ratsplat Root beer's giving away in their super-duper contest!

GK
Really?
WE see Gary Owens type announcer appear in top left corner

ANNCR
Time for …FLASHBACK #1.

CUT TO:
GK discovering winning Ratsplat insert in Ron's BOTTLE CAP.
Back to Gary Owens announcer in top left corner.

ANNCR
And now … FLASHBACK#2!
CUT TO: GK HANDING BOTTLE CAP INSERT TO RATSPLAT CEO AND BEING PRESENTED GRAND PRIZE AS BALLOONS FALL AROUND HIM AND TWO SEXY GIRLS, ONE ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM KISS EACH OF HIS CHEEKS, AT WHICH POINT GK’S EXPRESSION CHANGES TO MINOR CONTEMPT.
GK handing bottle cap insert to RATSPLAT CEO and being presented grand prize AS BALLOONS FALL around him and two SEXY GIRLS, one on either side of him kiss each of his cheeks, at which point GK's expression changes to minor contempt.

BACK TO
GK and Fluke in front of tree.

GK
Small world. Now shut up and stop talking. It's time for your first assignment.

FLUKE
(pause. Thinks for a moment)
My first assignment? It's not scary is it?

GK
You're standing under it.

Fluke looks up. Then CLOSE ON BINGO (a cat) stuck at very top of tree.

FLUKE
Ohhh, yes. It is a cute little kitty. He is in distress. But wait, wait, wait. I thought I was supposed to be a great super hero.

GK
Go on.

FLUKE
Well, that is a kitty stuck in a walnut tree.
GK
Go on.
FLUKE
Well…
GK
Kitty got your tongue?
FLUKE
No, well, It's just that… well...
GK
(cutting Fluke off)
Fluke, you know I don't like you.

FLUKE
You don't?

GK
Not really. Unfortunately for me Superhero sidekicks can't pick and choose who their superhero is. It's not like Batman was available. (Gk motions upward) Now, get up there and get that...

Before GK can finish his sentence a FIRE TRUCK smashes into the back of GK's brand new coupe turning it into an accordion as it hits the tree. BINGO is knocked off and lands right in Fluke's hands.

GK who sits amid the debris that was once his new car and looking disheveled, feebly finishes his sentence.

GK
Cat.

FLUKE
(looks at cat)
Bingo!

A crowd of onlookers behind the tree all react at once.

CROWD
What a fluke!

FLUKE
I was very much trying to tell you that while I was waiting for you I had already called the firemen to come and rescue this cute little kitty.
GK looks at Fluke with raised eyebrow and with much disdain. His face is pinned against windshield and wiper blade is hitting him in side of head.
Bingo licks Fluke's face. Fluke smiles.

FLUKE
I will call you … Bingo.

BINGO
Meow!
END SCENE

INT. FLUKE HIDEOUT - LATER
Fluke and Gk sit in side-by-side easy chairs watching television on big console screen. A WEATHER GIRL is talking.

WEATHER GIRL
You can expect sunny skies and a balmy 75 degrees today.

A Doorbell is heard

FLUKE
Ohhh, what a pretty girl, you can tell she knows what she's talking about. I will immediately arrange a wedding with her father and hopefully she will have a very large dowry. Is that too impulsive?

GK
(ignoring him)
Answer the door.

FLUKE
Okey-dokey-smokey. (exiting room) Hmmm, I thought this was a secret hideout.

GK
Mapquest - Always looking out for you.

GK looks for his drink at side of chair.

GK
Now where did I put my beverage.
The Doorbell rings again. Fluke is approaching Crypt door.

FLUKE
Hmm, very impatient. I wonder who it can be?
Fluke talks before opening door.

FLUKE
Who is there?
A sexy woman's voice answers back.

VOICE
(OS)
Hug-o-gram for Captain Fluke

FLUKE
(to himself)
Hug-o-gram? Oh, my, my, my. What do I do? I must think this through.
Fluke cocks his neck and looks up in deep thought using a variety of head movements and positions. He considers his predicament in a quasi syllogism. He has a quizzical expression frozen on his face. We HEAR this inner dialogue.

FLUKE
(inner dialogue)
I do love the sensation of a good hug. I have not had a hug in a while. It could be a trap. (pause) I want the hug.
Fluke opens tomb door and a howling gust of wind and snow blows in. The sheer force blows him back ten feet and he must fight against the powerful gust just to get back to the door and peer out.

FLUKE
(over howling wind)
I believe I will postpone my marriage plans to the very pretty weather girl.

FLUKE
(CONT’D)
I'm Captain Fluke! Hello? Anyone there? Hug-o-gram?
Fluke pauses, realizing he's made a very big mistake.

FLUKE
(very small)
Oh, oh.
Out of nowhere a SWEATY FAT GUY leaps on Fluke squeezing him silly. Fluke can't squirm lose as the man delivers a message from Dr. Calculus. He sounds like a cheesy gangster.

SWEATY GUY
I've placed a one thousand megaton nuclear bomb in the shape of a disinterested tour guide at the foot of the Hoover Dam. I calculate it will detonate at precisely 11:02 a.m. today. Hope you can make it. Best wishes, my boss, Dr. Calculus.

FLUKE
(straining)
Is that it?

SWEATY GUY
Yes.

FLUKE
Well.
The sweaty Fat Man gives fluke a big uncomfortably long kiss and ends up sucking Fluke's entire head into his mouth. Fluke is flailing, then suddenly Fatty spits Fluke's head back out. Fluke is drenched in saliva.
Fluke shakes the saliva off like a wet pooch.

FLUKE
What was that for!?

SWEATY GUY
You smell good.
The Sweaty Guy holds out towel.

SWEATY GUY
Towel?
END SCENE

EXT. HOOVER DAM - MORNING
Fluke and GK standing at top of Hoover Dam looking down. They watch the mighty flow of water roar down the dam wall culminating in a cloud of powerful mist hundreds of feet below.

FLUKE
(over roar of water)
Wow, the Hoover Dam! What a marvel of modern mountaineering!

GK ignores Fluke’s malapropism.

GK
I've seen better!

FLUKE
I wonder how this dam thing got built?

The scene instantly FREEZES and a HAND PULLS A SCREEN DOWN OVER ENTIRE SCENE. The title: AN EDUCATIONIAL MOMENT appears. A training film styled presentation ensues with over-the-top ANNOUNCER (maybe that 1930's newsreel approach).
Music: Old-time newsreelish
The film is in B&W - The following shots follow the VO.
Shot#1: Photo of THADEUS in old-fashioned family portrait.
Shot #2: Hundreds of Beavers, some wearing turbans, cowboy hats, fez's, berets, construction helmets, chef's hats, are building dam, scaffolding, cranes, giant cement chutes pouring concrete fill the scene.
Shot #3: CLOSE ON VARIOUS BEAVERS inside the structure slapping mud and twigs on walls with their tails.
Shot #4: Group photo of all Beavers standing in front of dam with Thadeus in center, his buck teeth gleaming in the sun.
NEWSREEL VO

Anncr: And now! An Educational Moment! The Hoover Dam! One of the seven to forty-nine Wonders of the World!
The HooverDam! Built by Thadeus H. Flattail the III, the world's wealthiest Beaver. Thadeus enlisted the help of thousands of Beaver's from around the globe, all experts in their own right in the art of dam building. They worked day and night for an entire summer using six million tons of concrete with every square inch reinforced with bark, twigs and mud. The Hoover Dam! A testament to Beavers everywhere!

This has been An Educational Moment! Now back to the mindless part of the show.

CUT TO:
Fluke and GK STILL AT TOP OF DAM.

FLUKE
Oh… you have got to be loving the Beaver.
THE BACKGROUND SOUND ABRUPTLY STOPS.

FLUKE
(CONT’D)
Are they ever good little workers.

GK
Whatever.

JUST AS SUDDENLY THE ROARING SOUND BACKDROP RESUMES.

FLUKE
GK! Look, near the base of the dam, ignoring those tourists!

GK
A disinterested tour guide! Quick, you know what to do.

FLUKE
Ido?

Fluke shoots a helpless look to camera.

FLUKE
No I don't.

GK grabs Fluke and jumps over the railing. They slide down the dam wall amid the flowing water.
The scene morphs into A BEACH BOY STYLED VIDEO COMPLETE WITH SONG. FLUKE RIDES GK LIKE A SURF BOARD assuming various surfing poses as he goes. Finally Thay land with GIANT SPLASH in a pool of frothing, churning water hundreds of feet below - ENDING THE MOCK “VIDEO”.
Both climb out and rush over to the stone-faced TOUR GUIDE and begin madly trying to undress him. The tour guide doesn't flinch. Fluke can't get the guide’s pants down so he attempts to pull his underwear out from the back of the guide’s pants giving the guide an impromptu wedgy.

GUIDE
Oww! You want information just ask!

FLUKE
Most sorry, sorry. Very most sorry! We thought you were going to explode.

GK
Look, Captain! Over by that statue of Wayne Newton! Another disinterested tour guide.
This SECOND TOUR GUIDE stands beside a STATUE OF WAYNE NEWTON. WAYNE is DEPICTED SITTING UNDER A TREE HOLDING AN APPLE IN ONE HAND AND A MICROPHONE IN THE OTHER. The CAPTION reads: NEWTON'S LAW OF VEGAS.

CUT TO:
Captain Fluke now chatting with the SECOND INATTENTIVE TOUR GUIDE who is obviously a DUMMY. One of the dummy's feet is turned the wrong way and an arm is backwards.

FLUKE
Could you at least tell me where the men's room is… you know we paid to get in here (quiet, like an old biddy at a tea party) I really have to go.

CUT TO:
INT. CALCULUS LAB - CONTINUOUS
Dr. Calculus is watching the events unfold from his evil lair on a closed circuit television screen. The camera is in one of the dummy's eyes. As Calculus talks we see FLUKE on TV screen from DUMMY'S POV jumping around, presumably still going on about the men’s room.

Dr. CALCULUS
(evil laugh)
My plan is working perfectly. I calculated that Fluke would, as most tourists do, have one initial run in with an actual disinterested tour guide. Further, more minute calculations proved he would wind up giving him a wedgy. Fluke's only recourse now will be repeating this primitive high school prank with the real bomb disguised as a disinterested tour guide. The difference being ... when he yanks those underwear it's going to be an ATOMIC WEDGY! Ha, ha, ha… and Fluke and the Earth will both be distant memories.

CUT TO:

BUFFALO who has toe pads between his hooves as he buffs his nails. He responds surreptitiously to Dr's last speech.

BUFFALO
Wow, that is some kind of crazy you got goin' on there. (sings) Oh I love my toes and my toes love me.
Three piano notes end Buffalo’s impromptu ditty.

BUFFALO
(grunts)

BACK TO
EXT. HOOVER DAM - CONTINUOUS

Gk has since joined Fluke and is imploring him to recognize his mistake.

GK
Captain! I know it's hard to tell. But that's not another disinterested tour guide. That's the bomb!

FLUKE
(doubtful)
I dunno. He does not look like a bum. He looks like a very nice man who is gainfully employed.
The dummy's head is now completely turned around the wrong way.

GK
Not a BUM - A BOMB! Look in his eyes!

Fluke takes a close look and notices each eye is a number counting down to zero - 10, 9, 8, 7 ... He recites along with the count.

FLUKE
8, 7, 6, 5, Wait! It IS the bomb! What'a my gonna do?

GK
Disarm! Disarm!

Fluke, misunderstanding, grabs the fake tour guide's arm and it inadvertently snaps off. He stands there holding the arm.

FLUKE
What? Dis arm?

The numbers stop counting down at ONE. Fluke has stopped the bomb.
Several JAPANESE TOURISTS walk in and take Fluke's picture holding arm.

CUT TO
Calculus having a conniption back at the lair.


Dr. CALCULUS
Ahhhhh! THat was a complete and utter fluke!

Buffalo is lying on a massage table as a MASSEUSE works on his back.
CLOSE ON
Buffalo's face from under table through face rest.

BUFFALO
Doc baby, why fight it. Get him to pick your lotto numbers. (To masseuse) Ohhh, that's good.

CUT TO:
INT. MAYOR ELLIS’ OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY
CLOSE ON
NEWSPAPER SPINNING THEN STOPS (30'S FILM STYLE) Newspaper photo of Captain Fluke holding the severed arm AT DAM. Headline reads: Fluke at Hoover Dam Prevents World From Exploding.
PULL BACK
Mayor HERB ELLIS, rough around the edges and more than a little ditzy, is holding newspaper, slaps it down on his desk and barks out.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Rentwhistle! Get me Fluke on the drier! Pronto!
RENTWHISTLE, the mayor's assistant, is rather droll in response to the Mayor's lack of mental functionality. He's very thin, glasses.
RENTWHISTLE

You mean "the blower"?

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Yes … the blower … I like that … very creative.

RENTWHISTLE
Fluke's on line two, Mr. Mayor.

CLOSE ON
Mayor's telephone. There are only two lines: one marked very clearly LINE ONE, the other LINE TWO with A BIG RED ARROW pointing to it. The Mayor considers carefully.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Line two … line two … hmmm… let's see … Rentwhistle!

RENTWHISTLE
Right under line one, sir.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
The what?

RENTWHISTLE
One, sir.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Ah yes! Here we go!

The Mayor clicks a button. WE hear dead line.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
No, no that's not working. Rentwhsitle!

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Try the other one, sir.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Of course! The other one! (he pushes line two) Hello, Fluke?

FLUKE
Yes, Mr. Mayor. Captain Fluke here.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Is this Fluke?

FLUKE
Yes, this is Fluke.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Fluke, I like your style.

FLUKE
Thank you very much.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
You know I love the way you work. You and that stuffed-shirt little rodent you hang around.

FLUKE
Thank you.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Fluke I'd love to give you a commendation for saving the entire free world and rescuing the universe from almost sure disaster...

FLUKE
F: Thank you.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
But I can't - that was a total fluke!"

FLUKE
(Deflated)
Oh.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
I mean ... I can't go around giving out commendations for every fluke you pull off I'd be screwed.

FLUKE
Yes, sir.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
And what about all the other flukes? Like getting dressed by myself. Why, I'd run out of commendations if I gave one out every time some Boy Scout named Harry dropped a Fluke on me. Commendations don't grow on beanpoles, Fluke. I only have a limited number … three a week or something like that. It's simply too much pressure on me. I don't like pressure. That's why I became Mayor. I hope you understand.

FLUKE
I understand.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Good, I hope you understand.

FLUKE
I do.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Good. You may now kiss the bride. Ha, ha, just kidding! FLuke, don’t be so naive ...
Mayor Ellis abruptly hangs up the phone.

Mayor HERB ELLIS
Crazy mixed-up kid. But I like him. He’s a good man... Hmmm, I can’t feel my feet.

CUT TO:
INT. FLUKE HIDEOUT - NIGHT

GK is doing needlepoint in front of a TV screen depicting a fireplace; Fluke is admiring his costume in the mirror.

FLUKE
You know it is interesting. This morning I was a clumsy, naïve, part-time prescription delivery boy with no direction or friends, poor hygiene and a rubber chicken for companionship and look at me now - a guy who just saved the world from total destruction, calls from the Mayor, pictures in the paper. It is really incredible. I am a real life, honest to goodness super duper hero.

GK
I know. And the best part about it is. It was all a huge...

FLUKE
Happening?

GK
No.

FLUKE
Accident?

GK
No.

FLUKE
Phenomenal circumstance?

GK
No.

FLUKE
Transference of an eventuated dream state?

GK
No.

FLUKE
Coincidence?

GK
No.

FLUKE
An incidental encounter with fortune?

CLOSE ON
GK looking into camera while Fluke in bg continues haplessly to define his circumstance.

GK
I'd tell him, but he'll eventually Fluke it off.

CAPTAIN FLUKE THEME SWELLS.
The camera TRACKS away in a REVERSE ZOOM from GK and Fluke and WE SEE ENTIRE SHOW REWIND AT WARP SPEED.
CUT TO BLACK
Dramatic Sting and SUPER: THE BEGINNING

END.